I need to recharge

  I have always admired myself for my chameleon-like qualities. The ability to blend into a certain aesthetic of an event and actually interact socially when I'm forced to. I only interact when I'm forced to. If and when I choose to interact voluntarily, it's my anxiety level raising through the roof, wanting to get out of an awkward situation. Thus, I break the cocoon of social isolation and transform into this social butterfly. 

  Please don't be fooled. I hardly ever have a good time and if I do, I hold on to it as long as I can because that's the only time I let go of the past and forget about the future and live in the actual moment. 

  The ugly truth behind it all is that I need to recharge. One night out could literally cost me a whole month spent at home. I'm deeply rooted to my bed because at the end of every day, I'm safe under my covers. My "alone time" worries a lot of people and seems rather abnormal. I'm not even going to deny its abnormality. 

  I feel like I haven't really fully assimilated to the American culture. I observe and listen to the subjects people talk about and I feel like I'm in a daze. I don't understand. It feels like a language barrier but only in the terms connotative slang and millennial lingo. I have always been the quiet kid and I never realized that I was the quiet kid until the phrase "You're so quiet, are you okay?" became so prominent in my life. 

  I was fine. I was fine until people decided to tell me that something's wrong with me. I wish people would know my story, not in entirety, but enough to know where I come from. I left everything. I left my whole life back in Southeast Asia. Two and half years and I'm still struggling to fit in here. I gave up on people a long time ago, I gave up on my friends and my family too at some point. 

  My life is so broken because all I grew up with was anxiety and insecurity. I grew up with so many unanswered questions. I answered my own damn questions. 

  I just wish I could escape reality. I never knew how much I could relate to Alice when he fell down the rabbit hole. Real life is filled with expectations and disappointments. Most days, I wish I could turn reality off because reality hurts. 

  I wish you knew. I wish you knew how every day I feel this heaviness on my chest. I wish you knew how I feel like throwing up to remove this demon because I'm convinced this negative energy has manifested itself inside of me. This emotional toxic waste never felt so physical in my bloodstream.

  I'm suffering and I need to recharge. I need to isolate myself from people because people give me the greatest joy and greatest pain at the same intensity. I wish I never had a heart to feel the things I feel. I'm so emotionally charged by everyone around me and I wish I wasn't. I hate myself for that because that's my biggest flaw. 

  I know I shouldn't be sorry for these things but let me be sorry this one time. I'm sorry I don't respond to messages, I'm sorry I look for you whenever I have a problem, I'm sorry I reject whenever you offer to take me out, I'm sorry I say "I'm sorry" repeatedly. 

  It's so sick and twisted how I suck it all up day to day to hold my sanity in place in public. If I were to go into full on manic mode, you'd be terrified. It's ugly. I'm a broken person and I want you to know that. I have reasons for the things I do. Reasons that I don't have to explain to you. I would, but you wouldn't understand. 

  I have heard too many comforting words and pep talks in my day and they all have lost their value. I'm sorry. I know people are trying their very best to help me but it's a battlefield in my mind. I'm trying to fight my demons off and help myself. My efforts might not appear to be distinguishable to you, but to me, it's every ounce of energy I have left in me. 

  I don't know what there left to say anymore. After all the abandoned drafts, I finally have the courage to hit "publish"