The lonesome New York girl.
I walked along with dad after a movie. Justin Bieber played at a restaurant nearby, a song I wasn't familiar with, I had my hoody with the words 'New York' across the chest. Olive green. The weather was a teensy bit humid but I hid my fingers from exposure. Suddenly my heart sank as it struck me... What would it be like?... leaving? You could see those crinkly lines on my forehead, frowning.
I'd give all I have now to never grow up. The trip home wasn't easy. How cliche listening to Jason Mraz while looking out of the car window. Only thing missing was, rain. It was as though my whole life here, summarized into one vision.
-The last day on the Asian land.
Endless stretches of long road to the airport. Passing those Billboard Ads, one after the other. I wish I could stop and run back and never look back. It's too late. Too late to back out, to late to say no. Am I doing this for me? Or for my parents? I just lay silent in the back seat. I'm sure dad's pondering deeply. The silence is sure killing him.
He doesn't want to let his little girl go like that. Being independent. A clumsy girl in a very harsh world. Music is on the radio. She tries to calm her mind, take time off to ease herself. The music is like fries with no salt. It has no affect. I close my eyes hoping that time seems slower. It's just about 3 hours away till my feet don't touch this land no more.
I stand corrected. Felt like 7 minutes passing at the speed of light. There I saw KLIA, brightly shining, those pointy thingy's looked like nipples to me ever since I was a lil girl. I felt like a mad woman being dragged down to an asylum. I've got all the songs that I'd tear up to on the iPad. Why am I doing this again ? I should just lock myself in the toilet. And never come out. See how I talk stupid ? yeah...
Here goes the whole passport,ticket,boarding pass phase. In my head, none of the baggage's could weigh more than my worries going on in my tiny head.
For the last time, I think to myself. Am I willing to leave all of this behind ? Am I willing to leave my dad to live alone? Am I up for just Skyping with the boy I love the most? Am I tough enough to leave my girlfriends,friends, foes and hoes ? I'm leaving half my life here on this land and I'll venture out there in the city of New York, to discover the self I'm not familiar with.
None of the people she needed the most to hug goodbye were there. Tears filled my eyes but they were guarded by my eyelids. Some manage to escape the grip and flowed onto my cheek.
Now I'm just there. Saying my final goodbyes to my dad. I didn't want to turn to leave. I could see him not wanting to let go. His gaze stayed locked onto his little girl. And I turned away. My body felt a shiver so cold. So painful. I'm screaming my lungs out deep in my heart, praying that someone, anyone, would stop me. Grab me by the wrist and say 'You don't have to'. Unfortunately, life ain't a movie.
The vacant hallways occupied by the amounts of people who will be sharing the same plane as me, strangers. Where, we will shoot into the sky at a high latitude. Reaching the stars, from what I told myself. I sat at my seat looking at the window, tiny rain drops raced their way down. I saw that sign. How every raindrop starts from the top and falls down and that would be the end of it all.
It's life how most people see it as. Every beginning has an ending. Every second, I could feel I grew quieter. My heart shrinked, like pitted prunes.
It took off.
I was hoping on a Sensei to tell me that 'Your time has come' or 'You're ready'. But no, for a weak girl like me, I'm beginning to realise that, I'll be fighting my own battles. Earning for myself. Achieving for myself. Both mom and dad want this for me. Why is it so hard to think that it's for me? And not them ?
I don't know when I'll be back. I don't if I'll be back. I don't feel like reaching the US and updating an 'I'm here' status. For a young adult, being a mature young adult is hard. It's not just adding the word 'mature' but acting like it, adapting to it.
It's time for me to grow up even if I never wanna grow up. I just realised everything I have is someday gonna be gone. Life from here on is going to be tougher than I expected and I hoped for. I know it'll take me somewhere. I don't know where, but I'll choose to discover and be surprised.
We all have to grow up one day, like it or not.
-Camille-
I'd give all I have now to never grow up. The trip home wasn't easy. How cliche listening to Jason Mraz while looking out of the car window. Only thing missing was, rain. It was as though my whole life here, summarized into one vision.
-The last day on the Asian land.
Endless stretches of long road to the airport. Passing those Billboard Ads, one after the other. I wish I could stop and run back and never look back. It's too late. Too late to back out, to late to say no. Am I doing this for me? Or for my parents? I just lay silent in the back seat. I'm sure dad's pondering deeply. The silence is sure killing him.
He doesn't want to let his little girl go like that. Being independent. A clumsy girl in a very harsh world. Music is on the radio. She tries to calm her mind, take time off to ease herself. The music is like fries with no salt. It has no affect. I close my eyes hoping that time seems slower. It's just about 3 hours away till my feet don't touch this land no more.
Here goes the whole passport,ticket,boarding pass phase. In my head, none of the baggage's could weigh more than my worries going on in my tiny head.
For the last time, I think to myself. Am I willing to leave all of this behind ? Am I willing to leave my dad to live alone? Am I up for just Skyping with the boy I love the most? Am I tough enough to leave my girlfriends,friends, foes and hoes ? I'm leaving half my life here on this land and I'll venture out there in the city of New York, to discover the self I'm not familiar with.
None of the people she needed the most to hug goodbye were there. Tears filled my eyes but they were guarded by my eyelids. Some manage to escape the grip and flowed onto my cheek.
Now I'm just there. Saying my final goodbyes to my dad. I didn't want to turn to leave. I could see him not wanting to let go. His gaze stayed locked onto his little girl. And I turned away. My body felt a shiver so cold. So painful. I'm screaming my lungs out deep in my heart, praying that someone, anyone, would stop me. Grab me by the wrist and say 'You don't have to'. Unfortunately, life ain't a movie.
The vacant hallways occupied by the amounts of people who will be sharing the same plane as me, strangers. Where, we will shoot into the sky at a high latitude. Reaching the stars, from what I told myself. I sat at my seat looking at the window, tiny rain drops raced their way down. I saw that sign. How every raindrop starts from the top and falls down and that would be the end of it all.
It's life how most people see it as. Every beginning has an ending. Every second, I could feel I grew quieter. My heart shrinked, like pitted prunes.
It took off.
I was hoping on a Sensei to tell me that 'Your time has come' or 'You're ready'. But no, for a weak girl like me, I'm beginning to realise that, I'll be fighting my own battles. Earning for myself. Achieving for myself. Both mom and dad want this for me. Why is it so hard to think that it's for me? And not them ?
I don't know when I'll be back. I don't if I'll be back. I don't feel like reaching the US and updating an 'I'm here' status. For a young adult, being a mature young adult is hard. It's not just adding the word 'mature' but acting like it, adapting to it.
It's time for me to grow up even if I never wanna grow up. I just realised everything I have is someday gonna be gone. Life from here on is going to be tougher than I expected and I hoped for. I know it'll take me somewhere. I don't know where, but I'll choose to discover and be surprised.
We all have to grow up one day, like it or not.
-Camille-
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