Au Revoir

  I guess this is goodbye. *When I'm gone - Anna Kendrick plays in the background. I have been quite reluctant to follow up on this post. I really do not wish for my readers to see the vulnerable side of me. I am as fragile as I look. I have been dreading this day. I have been anticipating this day with great apprehension. I'm having anxiety! This week, I must say, has been the hardest for me. I know exactly when is my departure and I'm given a period of 5 days to say my farewells. It's like knowing when you're gonna die and having a week to say bye. Yeah, it's THAT bad. 

  I am aware that I have unfulfilled promises of meeting a number of people before I migrate. I have to first handedly express my deepest apologies to everyone that I hadn't got the chance to meet up with. It's like the right person, wrong timing kinda thing. You guys can always hit me up on social networks. I would be more than happy to reply you. I do plan on coming down to Malaysia and Singapore during the Summer *crosses fingers If I'm ever in your town, I'll holler! (I sound like a celebrity who has a meet and greet hahaha) On a serious note, I without a doubt would definitely want to meet all the virtual friends I made face-to-face! 

So this is it. *takes deep breath 

  I have always hated saying goodbye as a child. I never knew how to properly say goodbye and gain closure. My option is to always fuck off. I have been reminiscing the whole week. I dug my way through post-birthday cards, love letters and pictures and it hit me like a truck. I am leaving, for real. I have been waiting and waiting and I got used to waiting. I never actually visualized this very day. 

Here's a little summary of my life growing up in Malaysia.

  I was born in the Philippines but I have practically lived my whole life in Malaysia. My mother tongue is Bahasa Malaysia. I am a proud Malaysian. In my early childhood, I studied in a Chinese kindergarten. I sucked at Mandarin and sort of escaped kindy at the age of 5. When I was 6 years old, my family shifted to Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur. I studied at Harvard Pre-School (I can proudly say I've been to 'Harvard'). I was a very timid little girl. I was shy and a cry baby (I still am). I was that girl who cried on her first day of pre-school and who peed her pants in primary school. Yeah, I was THAT kid. I was a very glamorous young lady. I was my mom's personal Barbie doll. She would dress me up and show me off to the world! 

   Despite living the city life, I never admitted nor was proud of calling myself a KL girl *yuck. After my baby brother was born, we moved back to Klang. My parents often travel a lot. Ever since, I never really had both parents under the same roof for an extensive time. It was hard of course. I recall starting primary school in Assunta -standard 1 and SK (2) Jalan Meru -standard 2. SK (2) was life changing. I was the underdog. I had greasy bangs and long hair. I was always made fun of for being a pendatang asing. I hated that discrimination. I might have been foreign but I sure as hell can speak better BM than most Malaysians. SK (2) made me shine. I remember singing Ulik Mayang at the age of 8 and everyone had told me I sang very well. I didn't believe them because I felt that's how I always sang! Ever since that day, I never stopped singing. 10 years had passed and these vocal chords aren't rusty! I left SK (2) with the title of Head Prefect. Who said a woman can't be a leader? I'm going to miss Ravena! and all the 2 Putih and 2 Biru mates I have made. I still stalk everyone on Facebook. 

  Then came high school. SMK (P) Bukit Kuda. It's sad how people stereotype our school to be a bad school. They probably haven't met me hahaha... 5 years full of trial and error. Through this phase in life, I discovered who my real friends were. I knew a lot of bitches and fell in love with a lot of bastards. Sorry not sorry. Nevertheless, a sisterhood was created. I can't express my gratitude to be blessed with 4 wonderful ladies in my life. Michelle Chun Mi Shie, Nursyahriah bt. Firdaus, Hareender Kaur Sandhu and Sharmila Paramasivam. (I addressed you by your full names, shit is real). I have to admit we are the best friends everyone wish they had *flips hair. Ya'll are just lucky bitches because when I get famous someday, ya'll will be taking flight on my private jet, drinking champagne and getting the VVIP treatment. Thank you for putting up with me. I know I have a big ego and I'm a fighter cock and I get too emotional too fast and I talk a lot and I'm ambitious and I'm cacat and I have bendy fingers and I slouch. I pray that you don't feel empty on the inside when I depart. Skype dates is a must because you guys are my priority. All of you are beautiful individuals. Over the past 6 years going on our 7th year, I have obtained different elements from each and everyone of you. I am going to use that to embark on my ongoing quest. 

  With all that being said, I am proud of who I am today. Thilakawathy Camillo. I wear that name loud and proud. I have transformed into this social butterfly. I tamed my anger. I am legitimately happy, blissful and content. I am blessed with a mature mindset and a youthful vibe. I have learnt to observe. I have learnt to understand before judging. I won over the battles with my demons. I have loved and I have lost but I learnt to love again. I am slowly transforming into the person I always wanted to be and that person is me, the real me. I thank God and the people around me, the blessings and the curses for shaping me into this Thila. I am the warrior princess that I claim to be. I am fearless. 

  I am finally closing this chapter of my life. Can you believe it? Thila is going. Truth be told, I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't treat Long Island like home, like Meru. I am afraid I won't get genuine friends. No, I am afraid I won't get friends at all! I am afraid of adulthood. I am afraid of taking responsibilities and being a woman. I have big dreams and those dreams scare me. It's like the saying 

If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.

  You're never really ready to leave. God has plans for me and so far? I'm liking where this is going. I don't know what He has in store for me but I know it only gets better. I leave my ugly past behind but I treasure the memories that I've created. I have eliminated unwanted people and have spared the worthy ones (I sound evil muahahaha) I don't know what's there left to say, really. I feel there's so much left unsaid and I can't ever gain closure. It's half my life we're talking about! 

   I just want to apologize if my words have overshot. I'm sorry for my actions. Thank you Malaysia for everything. Someday, I will return. 

  I won't be posting for a week just to let things set in and adjust myself. However, I will be on social networks. Click on the icons below my header to contact me. Note that, there is a 13 hour difference from me to you. 

  - how the fuck do I end this...

Au Revoir,

Thilamisu