My heart was made a little too frail

  Trust me when I say this. I believe that my heart was made a little too frail. I was raised on a strong foundation of love. I'm a daddy's girl. I was always thought to give my all. To never do anything half-heartedly. I seeded that quality in my lifestyle. Whenever I loved someone, I'd loved them with all my heart, whenever I was friends with someone, I'd try my best and be the best possible friend there is, whenever I was given a task, I would perform to my fullest potential. 

  I work hard on me. I try to be the best possible version of myself every day. On the outside, people see me as this social butterfly whom it would be cool to be friends with because I'm funny, I'm open to never-ending questions, I'm talented etc. (not even tooting on my own horn) I have brought to life, a figment of my own imagination. My life isn't all perfect. In fact, it is far from what it all seems. 

  I have a lousy way of expressing myself. I either bottle it up or I rant a little on Twitter. With all this alone time that I own, I realized that not having heart-to-heart talks is a form of bottling up. You must understand, my whole life I build my walls up, only to have them torn down and the cycle goes on...

  A little fact about me is that I do not talk to people about my problems/feelings. I used to have a big-ass mouth and tell everyone, everything until one fine day, someone I shared everything with, used my secrets against me. On that very night, I lost trust in people. I chose my words carefully whenever I conversed with someone, I made sure to answer a person's question as is, without explaining myself, I narrowed down my social media to Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (Snacpchat too), my phone number is strictly off limits to anyone I meet online. 

  If you ask me if I'm okay, there's a high possibility I would say I'm okay. If you ask me if I want to talk about it, there's a high possibility I would say no. My last break up was the final straw. I'm building my walls so thick and high and praying that it doesn't come crashing down on me once again. 

• I do not want to rely on a person to let it out on. I have always treated people like emotional punching bags to let off some steam. All my anger, frustration, depression and anxiety released on to someone else's shoulder to bear with just so I could breathe easy.
• People don't solve your problems. As much as I wish that people could make your problems go away, reality hits me in the face. Every time I tell someone an issue I'm going through, I instantly regret. It's bad enough I have to worry about it, now, I have someone else worrying about something they shouldn't even worry about. 
• I don't express myself to get a pep-talk in return. I'm sorry to be brutally honest but the last thing I want to hear are words of encouragement. It's like that positive kitten poster you have on your wall that's always there but slowly becomes invisible day by day because it's the same shit: think positive, be happy, it's just a bad day, not a bad life etc.

  I am a tougher cookie to crumble. My crave for heart-to-heart talks and good morning's and goodnight's drives me into finding a companion. I am needy. I am clingy. I tend to seek security and comfort in someone else but myself. I have no experience being independent. Someone, whether a parent or a friend or a partner has always showered me with love. The only catch is that they shower me with love that won't remain. 

  I just want you to know, I'll be okay eventually. It always works out in the end. I know it's not healthy dealing with all this by myself but I'm experienced. Yes, I can worry you and make you think that I'm about to jump off a cliff but I have enough faith that will last me at least 10 years. 

  There's still a long list of heartbreaks I will have to face in the future to come. The day when I see someone that I have loved, get married. The day I lose my parents. The day I go broke and have nothing to eat. The day I can't afford rent and have to sleep in my car. I thought that I have seen and I have felt all the pain known to man but I stand corrected. Thila honey, this is only the beginning. 

  I've given up countless times but I stood back right up every single time. I repeat this dreadful question every single time I break down. How many times do I have to give up, to finally give up once and for all? I guess I will never know because I haven't given up on myself. I don't know where I stand until the final straw but I pray so hard that I survive this lifetime. 

thilamisu