I compare myself to...

  I always have this seasonal self-identity crisis, an insecurity attack. The sudden pinch of reality stings. Knowing that you can compare yourself to the 7.4 billion people on planet Earth. My self-esteem is a work in progress. Most days, I'm happy with myself. Other days, I'm unhappy with myself. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but everyone has one of those days. 

  As I innocently scroll through my Instagram, crossing my fingers hoping that I won't get my ego bruised, I stopped at a selfie. A familiar face. A friend of a friend. A local cosmetic company had re-posted her selfie to promote their matte lipsticks. The username misled me because I knew her name but not her Instagram name. 

*Tap 

  She had a very aesthetic feed. The typical one-filter, minimalist vibe. I couldn't bring my heart to stalk any further because the cut grew deeper. I made my way all to the top and saw the number of followers she had. Around 3k followers. Ok. Another punch on the face. I brushed it off as though I had never tapped on her name. 

  Then, I saw a photo of an ex-classmate of mine. She didn't pursue her studies. Instead, she went on to become a flight attendant. It was something that she had always wanted to do ever since high school. 

 *Tap 

  She tonnes of pictures. All of different settings. Japan, Australia, Taiwan, India, Boracay Islands and I could literally go on. She looks so successful and happy with her accomplishments. I can't help but feel happy for her. However, the green-eyed monster was twitching inside of me. I don't hate her, I just hate how I can't be like her. 

  Comparison. I hate the word. I hate the act of comparing. I bet you that there was a time your parents would compare you someone else's son or daughter and say "look at ____" "He/She is so ____" "You should be like____". Insecurity is planted in us at a very young age. We, the millennials, should know how to raise our children better in the coming years. 

  Imagine this. Out of 7.4 billion. 7.4 billion DNA's. 7.4 billion distinct individuals. We are able to compare ourselves to different people. I don't know about you but when I was in primary school, we had science experiments. I remember writing reports for the experiments and I would gather up all the variables. 

The constant variable

                                            The manipulated variable 

                                                                                              The responding variable 

  It was a rule that an experiment cannot be conducted accurately if the constant variable wasn't fixed. The type of plants had to be the same, the type of animals had to be the same, the size of laboratory glassware had to be the same. This relates very closely to people. 

  My question is: How are we able to compare ourselves with others when we are not precisely identical? 

  I beg to differ. Even identical twins aren't identical. They differ from each other. They are their own individual.  

  I get so caught up with the idea of comparing myself to anyone whom I think is far more better than I am. I over-analyze people. For example, let me illustrate how the Thila filter impacted my judgement of the ladies I mentioned above. 

Individual A

Through the Thila filter: She comes from a well to do family. She lives in a high class area. A place I would consider the Bel Air of Petaling Jaya. She is like your typical it girl. A girl who dares to be different but is easily stereotyped anyways. Her pictures are of the same warm tone filters. Probably uses the VSCO cam app which she can afford to buy filters from. She constantly has candid, effortlessly flawless pictures of herself on her feed which shows that she has a clique or a sidekick she often hangs out with. Judging from the quality of her pictures, she's an iPhone user because... Apple. I am confident that her life isn't as carefree as her Instagram feed. "With great power comes great responsibility" as Uncle Ben would say. She just chooses to display the greater and more luxurious things on her Instagram. Vanity is one of them. Her social media personality is her alter ego and with that figment, she is able to test peoples' worth without her ever knowing about it. 

Individual B

Through the Thila filter: I know her personally. She's a very bubbly and at times a little blur. However, time has probably changed her. She is all about real living. It shows in her pictures that she earns a decent living to be able to fill up her passport with stamps from all around the world. Relationship wise, my judgement appears cloudy. Nevertheless, she always has her sweetheart who I must say, takes candid pictures of her on her trips to prove that she is definitely living life to the fullest. 

  Do not be mistaken. I am not doing this out of spite. It is what I perceive through one's social media. It's almost like the 21st-century numerology. That, and people are like open books these days. 

  I take all these qualities and opportunities that they have and compare it with what I don't have and I bruise myself. I give myself this pep talk every now and then to remind myself that 

I am different than they are 

My goals are different than theirs 

My success doesn't take place simultaneously as to theirs 

My big dream could be something they never thought about 

  These are all the distinctions that my conscience has gathered to put my heart at ease. Sometimes I wish I was a little richer, I wish I had a perfect jawline, a sharp nose and poreless skin but sometimes I grateful that I am who I am with what I have. Why? Because I am 1 out of 7.4 billion and counting and nobody, I repeat nobody can be me. 

  It can sometimes get overwhelming when you're 54 weeks deep into someone's Instagram. Let me remind you, you don't need that. Take pictures to document the good times and capture the moments that you feel should last forever, even if they remain stationary in a frame. I always say, life's too short for an aesthetic feed, capture memories. 

Chin up!

thilamisu